Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Buka puasa with 'him', last meeting before I'm heading off

Though I was hesitated whether I should meet him up or not, at last I chose to meet up with him. I have had mixed feelings for the whole day. When I see him, I realised that actually we were no longer like what we used to be. I tried to maintain my composure and holding back my feelings towards him. I wanted to cry, I'm still holding on. He took me to the pasar ramadhan near to his place by scooter and he knew that I missed the chicken wings which we had before this. Having back the same chicken wings from the same stall did create some unwanted feelings. That's nothing I could do that time.

I didn't go to his place for buka puasa instead we went to a shopping complex food court for that. I knew we are officially friends from that time onwards and it was a hard feeling. I missed those time that I had with him, more intimate and closer to each other. It was totally a different feeling this time. Being a friends, we cannot do more than that. I don't know he still have feelings to me. I do wish so. But I'm still happy at least I can spend some valuable time with him before I'm leaving to somewhere. The chicken wings were really tasty, one of the best wings I ever had ;-)

After the dinner, we went to McDonalds to have new spicy chicken McNuggets and Oreo Mcflurry. We did chat a lot and I'm happy at least he had opened up himself a lil bit. Previously, his moves really torturing me and I had a feeling of being alienated. So, I pretty enjoy the whole process with him.

He sent me home using his new scooter and I dare not to hug him though I was really scared riding it. I have had phobia with bike/scooter but being with him, I felt really secured. It ws a long journey and I really appreciate what he did. I know that I started to let go and I do hope that we can work things out when I'm back. Will see how it goes. I will cherish all the good time we have had and for sure he will remain in my heart for a long long time. Thanks a lot my dear friends ;-)

Sunday, September 14, 2008

My hometown Ipoh with all my favourite delicacies

My trip back to Ipoh was really pleasant. It has been quite sometime since my last trip back to my lovely hometown. I'm really happy to see my grandmother and my cousins over there. I missed my granny so much, and we have been very closed to each other since I was kid. Being home always a good feeling for me.

It was extremely hot weather in Ipoh, so hot until I have to sit in front of a standing fan most of the time. No complaints as I'm expected to be in the oven, heh. The first thing I realised on the dining table are food, all my favourite food from my granny. 3 bowls of rice were more than enough to explain how nice my granny's cook. After dinner, I went out for Ipoh most famous food "Sar Hor Fun" ; It is a flat white rice noodle which locals believe best served in soup with shredded chicken meat and prawns. My godness, the chicken was smooth and tender. Yummy, it was mouth-watering.

After that, I went to meet up with my friends and had a cup of coffee. Good to actually catch up with them and share my stories with them. I was so excited and had a great time with all of them. I'm a very talkative guy so once I started to talk, sorry guys is hard to stop. Hehe ;-)

The next day was still the same thing, eating non stop. Morning was torturing but going to the market with my granny really makes me feel good. I used to go to the market with her every morning when I was a kid. She's old now and I'm sad to leave her there. I always wish I could spend more time with her, and I will try my best to come back more often.

My whole trip was memorable. Looking forward for my next trip back to Ipoh and of course will going to miss my granny and the food there.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Life is like a roller coaster

At one point, I thought is over and everything back to normal. Wait! Did I make myself clear? I'm actually not. It is all one sided feeling. The moment he chose to become friends, my heart is broken. I have had a bad mood ever since but trying so hard to balance it by thinking something else. Since that's what he wants, as a normal friends I think concerning about each other and talking to each other will not bring any harm. Maybe is all about me. For his part, he still need time to adjust all the problems that I've created to him and arguments which leads to the end of a good relationship/friendship.

I thought he is okay but suddenly I felt it is the other way round. He has been cold to me ever since but I am nobody to question about it. I accept everything with open arms and just treat it as part of life experience. Sometimes I doubt whether he actually force himself to befriend with me and feels reluctant to talk whenever I ask him anything. He has his own life and I cannot force him to change. But the bad feeling is haunted me every seconds with his move. Maybe is time to stop it for a while and let both parties to calm down. I wish it helps. I really do.

I really want to meet him up again for the last time before I'm leaving to UK. At this moment, I don't think so. Why should I meet someone that treated me in such way? As a normal human being, it is fair enough to ask for a fair treatment but all he did was just hurt me deeper. I had enough with all these. The ups and downs make me feel like I'm riding a roller coaster heading to no way. It is so scary and make me insane! The more he choose to avoid, the deeper he hurts me. Maybe we are from a different world and what he wants will never be fulfilled by a human being like me. I'm the most misunderstood person ever been created.

In the meantime, I really need help but I don't think there is anybody that could help me up. No even doctors. The only cure is time. And I need to cure and heal all the wounds that I've made on myself. I have phobia to actually get involved in any relationship and it should be a nightmare that will going to haunt me for a period of time.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Mixed feeling

I was having a very nice dinner with my old friends and is good to meet them up again. I'm happy to know Chris and Paul are going to get married soon in Manchester. I've promised them attend their wedding ceremony. Had a very good chat with them and bitching around with some jokes. What a great day I have had. We went to a seafood restaurant around our area. It was nice and the food were absolutely mouth watering. Though I have been staying here for years now and I just got to know that there's seafood restaurant other than Lala Chong. Will definately heading back to that place again soon.

Though I'm happy to meet them up, I got a weird feeling which makes me sad. It is absolutely not related to Chris, Paul or others. The guy that I had a crush on is not in a good mood and obviously sad about the things happening around him. I know it is not related to me at all but I'm really sad to see him like this. I wish I could listen to him and share his pains unfortunately I feel a bit alienated from him. I did have a sense of dejavu that it will happen one day. I'm really struggling with my emotions right now. I found it really hard to cope with feelings. I have chose to let go and I know is going to be hard to get back to the old times that we had. Everything is officially changed since the moment is over and I knew that I've to make myself clear of my status and who am I to him. I'm just his friends, a very normal friend. I have no rights to know bother him though I just wish to concern him.

Maybe as usual, I need a break and I am definately going to struggle for a while in the letting go process. Eventually it helps me to understand that feelings to someone will never good to be expressed out. I'm really sad and hate myself now. Sigh :-(

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Point of no return

I always think that I would be able to handle everything all by myself. I appeared to be very strong most of the time and very decisive in all the matters that I'm facing. Recently, I just realised that I'm totally vice versa from what I'm used to be. I never expect myself to study abroad. At the beginning, I'm really excited about it and I'm well prepared for it. Sadly, when it is just around the corner, I felt that I'm actually sad to leave. Maybe I have grown up and started to appreciate everything around me. Leaving these special things really not a good feeling.

I just found myself in love but I know is not going to work out. I tried without second thoughts to fall in love but sadly it is bad ending. But but.... at least we are still friends. I never fell in love for quite sometime and I know it is not a right time for it. Why should I start something at this time? Maybe God's will. Is a test for me to see if I can resist with all these. I really believe in love from the first sight though it is the most stupid thing that ever happen in the love circle. For me, I don't find it stupid, I think is very romantic. He makes me laugh, feeling secure and willing to listen to me whenever I want to share. Is all over now and I will cherish all the moments that we had.

The point of no return is referring to what I've done. I've decided to study and let go everything. I've decided to question about the relationship between me and him which leads to the end what I thought would be a good relationship. I left the country heartbroken but time will heal my pain and wound. I will be strong I promise.

This is my first ever blog and starting with a sad one is not a good beginning. Nonetheless, this is what I want. What a funny guy I am.